Beyond Lucky

I am beyond lucky and beyond blessed.

I have an amazing husband that I’ve been married to for a little over 7 years. He is kind, he is strong, he’s funny, and I could keep going on and on. Most importantly, he love me so completely and loves me exactly as I am. I could not ask for a better man. I don’t think such a creature exists. Babe, you are and always will be the most important person in my life.

I have an incredible girlfriend that started out as my best friend. I love her on multiple levels. She’s got the most amazing personality that you can’t help but fall in love with her. She’s so caring and so sweet (you know you are). I can’t get enough of her. She also loves me deeply and I believe her when she says she will never leave me. My love, do you know what you mean to me? I love you so much. Nothing could ever compare to what we have. I still can’t believe I found you…or you found me? I think we found each other.

My cousin pointed out something to me that I hadn’t thought about…

“You are so lucky. Some people go through life, never finding love at all. You’ve found it twice.”

She’s right. I am incredibly lucky to have what I do. The heartache that may come with this unconventional relationship will forever be worth it for the rewards I reap.

What a roller coaster I’ve been on. But now I’ve got my head straight, I’ve got my mind right, and I know what I’m clinging to.

I feel unstoppable.

Ugly

Today, things got ugly.

I don’t want to rehash any of it. I don’t want to relive it.

Things were bad.

There was conversation.

Things were better.

The end.

Emotions

I realized tonight that I’m not that strong. I’m not as tough as I thought I was. I can only fake it for so long before I break down. You hurt me. You said you wouldn’t, and you didn’t do it on purpose, but you hurt my heart. I thought I’d be fine. I thought I could hold on and be ok, but I was wrong.

I thought I had you. I thought you were coming back to me. The signals I got from you told me you were. But you didn’t. You didn’t come back. You didn’t respond to me. I said I wouldn’t cry, but here I am.

I want to yell and scream but I don’t have the right.

I want to tell you that you hurt me, but why?

I’m not ok. I’m not. I’m hurting and trying to get over it.

I thought you’d be here. I thought I’d be holding you, and I’m not.

My heart aches.

But I love you. I love you so much. I don’t want out. I still want you. Please never forget that.

Remember what I told you today?

“Yes. I would marry a woman. Yes I’d be a mom. Yes I would explain it to my family. They could get on board or they could quit speaking to me. I’ll remind them that you don’t choose who you love. And I’m going to do what’s best for me. The only opinions that matter in this would be yours mine and his.”

I meant it. I meant every word. Let me give those things to you. Give me that chance.

Terrific Thursday

Today was amazing. I got to spend hours with her. Just sitting/laying on the couch watching tv, holding hands, and holding her. It was incredible. Just being able to exist together. I could do that every day. 😍. I’m just so happy when I am with her.

I need this to work. I need to be able to find the balance between my girlfriend and my husband. This is going to take time and work, but I think we are ready for that.

I love her. I want to tell everyone! I know that it’s not the right time though. I’ll just keep writing to get my thoughts out.

Last Night…

Last night I told my husband about her. I was having emergency surgery so I thought, why not. It didn’t go super smoothly. I would have been crazy to think it would. But he read the letter I wore.

Today, she came to see me so we could all 3 talk. It was an all day event. Everything is out there in the open. We are trying to figure out how to make this work. I don’t want to lose either of them.

I’ve cried so much my eyes are swollen. I’m exhausted. I’m emotionally drained. I can’t fight how I feel. I tried. I love her. I LOVE her. And I love my husband. It’s selfish of me and I know that…wanting to have them both that is. I’ve never said it wasn’t wrong. In fact, I know it is. But I feel so strongly about it that it’s hard to ignore.

I’ve lied, and that’s not like me. He didn’t deserve that. I should have been upfront from the start but I was so afraid. I was afraid he would leave me. I was afraid I couldn’t make him understand. I was afraid he would make me let her go. I didn’t want any of those things to happen so I chose to hold off on telling him. Now, I’ve lost his trust. I can’t blame him. When the roles were reversed, I felt the same way. You feel cheated. You feel betrayed. You feel the things you promised not to make each other feel.

I can say I’m sorry a million times and that won’t fix what I did. I made a choice and I have to live with it. I just keep hoping he will understand or we can come to some agreement to make this work for everyone. He’s been more understanding than I thought, so there’s a glimmer of hope. I’ll cling to that and hope for the best.

Just rambling…

So I haven’t been feeling well today. Not only did she check on me, so did her girlfriend. It’s so crazy to me how this relationship works. Her girlfriend loves that I love her. Her gf cares and checks on me because she knows what I mean to her. It’s actually, really amazing.

Work Without Her

So here I am sitting at work. You’d think I would get more work done without her here, but that’s not the case. I’m sitting here thinking about how much it will suck when she transfers soon. I think I could cry. Maybe if I do it now with no one around, I won’t the day she goes?

I’ve got to focus. I’ve slacked off lately and it’s catching up to me. I’d see her come in and I couldn’t help but stay distracted. I crave her attention and her time. It’s the best and scariest feeling in the world. On one hand, I’ve got a best friend that I can go to with anything. On the other, I’ve got a person in my life I care for so deeply, that isn’t my husband. If he doesn’t understand…I fear it’ll crush me at this point.

Here I am…waiting for the right time to tell him….

Complicated

So, this having a husband and a girlfriend thing is going to get pretty complicated for me I can imagine. I want to tell my husband about her. He knows her. We’ve all hung out together. He just doesn’t know the depths of our relationship. I want to tell him right now! But I can’t take that risk yet…I need to see if I can get him to be more open minded. I don’t want to lose her. My life is so much better having them both in it. I need him to understand.

Sometimes when I think about it, I know it would be so much easier if he just knew and she and I could communicate openly. I could set aside time for him and time for her. It would all work out so well. I’m holding on to that dream that it’s all going to be ok.

Today…

Interestingly enough, my girlfriend met my mother-in-law today. MIL of course had no clue. She thinks she just a friend from work.

It’s a strange place I’ve put myself in. I’ve never understood how someone could love 2 people, but you can. See, I’ve always hated people that cheat on their spouses. “Have enough respect to tell them you don’t want to be with them.” I always felt like cheaters were going out and looking for someone else. Don’t get me wrong, a lot are, but not all. I feel like there’s a small percentage of people like me who are blindsided by emotions and feelings for someone else. I don’t want to leave him for her. I want them both…

The space in my heart that my husband fills, didn’t get any smaller. It’s like my heart grew to accommodate room for her too. I love him the same as before, and I’ll love him even more I when I can get him on the same page as us. I want them both in my life so badly. If he knew how innocent my emotions were, and how I love her, he wouldn’t have any doubts whatsoever. He would know how I can still love him so completely. I’ll never leave him, and she’d never as me to.

She has her own person. Her number 1. She’s going to marry her. She gets it. She fully understands the concept of being with your number 1, but having someone else too. There’s no jealousy involved. Before you get all, “jealousy is human nature. If she says she’s not jealous, she’s lying.” Shut up. Now, will there be times we both want to spend time with her? Sure. But spouse trumps gf. It’s understood.

The communication is what’s so important. Being open and honest is how this is functional. I’ve embarked on a new journey…I can’t wait to see where it takes me.

❤️

A Letter to My Husband About the Woman That Has Part of my Heart

Husband,

I love you. I have loved you for years and I love you more as time goes on. You were made for me and I for you. The day we met, I knew I would be your wife. You and I have created an amazing life together. We said our vows and agreed to love each other in sickness and in health, good times and bad, for richer or poorer. We’ve experienced all of these things and there is no one else I’d rather go through this life with. We always said, forever, for always, and no matter what. I hope you really meant those words when you said them to me. What I want to tell you may or may not come as a surprise. I can guarantee you it was not planned and not intentional. It is something that took me by surprise. I was blindsided and tried to ignore how I felt. I met her. I met the only woman that I’ve ever been truly attracted to. I was not looking for her. I was not seeking her and she was not seeking me, but there she was. I care for her. I have such strong feelings for her. Before you get angry and stop reading, please, please let me finish. My feelings for her, takes nothing away from my love for you. I am still your wife and I still love you so completely. I need you to understand, or at least try to understand how I feel. I don’t want to leave you. That’s not what this is. I want to be your wife. I always have and always will. This is my plea for you to understand. I want you both. It’s not easy to say and I know it’s certainly not an easy pill for you to swallow. But I beg you, please try to hear me. I am YOUR wife and I will do wha YOU want because I made those promises to you. If you want me to walk away and never speak to her again, it is done. But please don’t make me do that. Please think about how I feel. Think about how hard this was for me. Think about how I must feel to get to this point, to basically risk life as I know it. You know what we’ve been through. You know how deep my love is for you. I swear to you, that has not and never will change. I respect you. And I promise you nothing inappropriate has happened between she and I. I love and care for you too much to do that to you. Please, I know this is nothing we ever thought we would face, but here we are, and here I am – asking you to have an open mind and understand my plea. I love you. I always have. I always will….but I think I love her too….