Last Night…

Last night I told my husband about her. I was having emergency surgery so I thought, why not. It didn’t go super smoothly. I would have been crazy to think it would. But he read the letter I wore.

Today, she came to see me so we could all 3 talk. It was an all day event. Everything is out there in the open. We are trying to figure out how to make this work. I don’t want to lose either of them.

I’ve cried so much my eyes are swollen. I’m exhausted. I’m emotionally drained. I can’t fight how I feel. I tried. I love her. I LOVE her. And I love my husband. It’s selfish of me and I know that…wanting to have them both that is. I’ve never said it wasn’t wrong. In fact, I know it is. But I feel so strongly about it that it’s hard to ignore.

I’ve lied, and that’s not like me. He didn’t deserve that. I should have been upfront from the start but I was so afraid. I was afraid he would leave me. I was afraid I couldn’t make him understand. I was afraid he would make me let her go. I didn’t want any of those things to happen so I chose to hold off on telling him. Now, I’ve lost his trust. I can’t blame him. When the roles were reversed, I felt the same way. You feel cheated. You feel betrayed. You feel the things you promised not to make each other feel.

I can say I’m sorry a million times and that won’t fix what I did. I made a choice and I have to live with it. I just keep hoping he will understand or we can come to some agreement to make this work for everyone. He’s been more understanding than I thought, so there’s a glimmer of hope. I’ll cling to that and hope for the best.